


In a Crowd of Thousands

by notimmortal



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background richjake, Because I love the NYC cast, Established boyfs, Gen, Implied sincerely three, Insecurity, M/M, POV First Person, WHICH IS NOW THE BROADWAY CAST BITCHES, Will Roland!Jeremy, background galaxy gals, because what else do I write, jeremy pov, self-projection, sorry about that, yet again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 07:13:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15944363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notimmortal/pseuds/notimmortal
Summary: I just don’t get it, sometimes.How can I go from being a single-friended loser to having all the people who seem to genuinely like and care about me and still feel soul crushingly alone?I have all these people I can turn to now, people I can talk to and spend time with, people I care about and people who care about me. And yet…I don’t fit in anywhere.





	In a Crowd of Thousands

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!
> 
> So I'm starting university tomorrow, I moved from Chicago to Dublin this past week, and my life is still kind of a mess but hey! New fic!  
> This is actually an old fic that I only just now realized how I wanted to end, so here you guys go! It deals with similar themes to my last fic, which was why I almost didn't post it but I think they both highlight a different side of the mental struggle I'm feeling in terms of my friends (especially now that I'm gone and have to make new friends). I hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> Title taken from Anastasia but this fic is not as happy as that song is.

I just don’t get it, sometimes.

 

How can I go from being a single-friended loser to having all the people who seem to genuinely like and care about me and still feel soul crushingly alone?

 

After the whole Squip thing everyone started being so nice to me. Rich and Jake essentially adopted me as their son (an odd turn of events to everyone who had to witness it), Jenna was willing to fight every person who talked shit about me now (but there were less of those people now, too), Brooke and Chloe had made me their new project (I did get cooler clothes out of that one, though, so I can’t complain), Christine is now my best non-Michael friend, and Michael… Michael is my boyfriend. Michael is sticking with me despite everything that happened. He even made me some new friends in the form of Evan, Jared, and Connor as well as Connor’s sister Zoe and her girlfriend Alana. I have all these people I can turn to now, people I can talk to and spend time with, people I care about and people who care about me. And yet…

 

I don’t fit in anywhere. 

 

All of my friends from the Squip incident were friends beforehand, so I’m just intruding there. Same with Michael’s friends, they all knew each other before (Michael had met Jared at camp one year and they had been close friends ever since). And Michael is so laid back that he can fit in anywhere without a problem now. But I can’t do that, I’m not like Michael, I’m too awkward and anxious and I don’t have anything to offer anyone. Even when I’m with all of them and it seems like we’re all having a good time, I can’t help but feel like I could shut my mouth or leave the room and things would continue on how they are.

 

It’s like I’m not even there, like I’m not meant to be there. 

 

Surrounded by people, but still so alone. Waving through a window where no one can even see me.

 

***

 

“Jeremy, my buddy, you are coming over tonight,” Michael said to me at lunch one afternoon. “It is Friday, my moms are going away for the weekend and told me that I could have people over as long as I didn’t break anything, so everyone is coming over after school.”

 

“Everyone?” I asked, poking at my lunch half heartedly. 

 

“Everyone. From Jake and Rich to Jared, Evan, and Connor. It’ll be so fun!” Michael was smiling so brightly at me, excitement clear on his face, so all I could do was try to mimic that smile and nod. Michael seemed appeased by that and turned to talk to Christine, who was asking if Michael needed help setting anything up for tonight.

 

Left alone with my thoughts, I pondered this upcoming evening. It did sound like fun, getting a chance to hang out with everyone again. And, knowing Michael, there would probably be weed involved which is pretty fun most of the time. But everyone being there also meant that everyone would be grouping off, like they always do. And then where do I go? 

 

“Jere, you ready to go? We got a test next period, you told me you’d help me study for the last half of lunch,” Rich said, pulling me out of my head. 

 

I smiled at him the best I could. “Ready.”

 

***

 

The rest of the school day seemed to fly past, and before I knew it, I was in Michael PT Cruiser on the way to his house. Michael was talking animatedly about some nature documentary he had watched with Evan. “I mean, sure it was boring as all hell, Jeremy, but the quality of images in that documentary were so amazing! Almost makes me want to go and study camerawork or film in college.”

 

“That would be cool, Micha. But I thought you wanted to do game design?”

 

“Oh yeah, that’s definitely something I want to do still, too. Jared and I were just talking about it when I was last with him, Ev, and Con,” I stiffened a little bit at the mention of his other friends, especially at the casual usage of nicknames. Michael didn’t seem to notice, however, focused on the road ahead of him. “I mean, I have time to make up my mind still as far as majors go. We don’t even have to start applying to schools until next school year anyway.”

 

“I guess you’re right,” I said softly, still stuck in my own head after Michael had mentioned his other friends.  _ His better friends _ a voice in my head whispered to me. I tried to shake it away, but the feelings brought by hearing this voice persisted nonetheless. 

 

“You sure you’re good? You’ve been kinda quiet all day,” Michael said as we pulled into his driveway. “Is everything alright, Jere?”

 

“I-”  _ Don’t tell him. Don’t make him pity you. Deflect.  _ “I’m fine, Michael. Just a little tired.”

 

Michael eyed me carefully, before nodding and kissing me lightly on the forehead. “You can take a nap in my room til everyone else gets here if you want.”

 

“Yeah, thanks, that sounds like a good idea.”

 

***

 

I woke up to the sound of Michael’s doorbell and Michael racing up the stairs to open the door. Rubbing my eyes and standing up, I tried to refocus myself before Michael and whoever was with him came back. My brain was still fuzzy, but the voice I was hearing earlier (not the Squip, something more human, more  _ me _ ) was gone. Small mercies.

 

I could hear Michael talking followed by many sets of footsteps. “So we have video games set up, plus I’ve got board games, card games, and enough snacks to last us until tomorrow. Make yourselves comfortable.”

 

Just when I was about to greet everyone, conversations popped up between the group members.

 

“Woah, Mikey, this is a pretty sweet setup!” Jared declared loudly. He always was a loud one.

 

“Man, Rich, look! Mell even got your favorite drink!” Jake said, holding up a bottle of Squirt.

 

“Thanks, Headphones!” Rich called across the room enthusiastically. 

 

I saw Christine scrunch her nose. “Ew, Squirt! I’ll stay dehydrated.”

 

“Just because it was a student-made musical doesn’t mean that I won’t count it in the reference list, Chrissy,” Michael said with a laugh. “Remember: 1 shot for every 5 references you make.” Christine pouted, but didn’t argue. 

 

All around me it continued like this, everyone talking to or over each other. None of them had even noticed me in the corner yet, not even Evan who often gravitated to the outer edges of conversation. Instead, he was talking to Brooke and Chloe, with Connor wrapping his arm around Evan protectively. It was like I was completely invisible. 

 

“What are you doing all by yourself?” I heard someone ask. I turned to issue a response only to realize they weren’t talking to me. It was Zoe, grabbing Alana and pulling her into the conversation. 

 

I took stock of the room once more. Jared, Rich, and Jake were playing Mario Kart. Michael was talking with Christine and Jenna, laughing at something Christine had said. Brooke, Chloe, Evan, and Connor were still talking, now with Alana and Zoe, too. 

 

And then there was me.

 

Where did I fit with all of this? I wasn’t sure, but I also didn’t feel like sticking around to try and force myself into anything either. Instead, I silently went upstairs, sitting down on Michael’s couch. 

 

No one had even noticed I was gone. 

 

_ Pathetic _ .

 

“Not now,” I mumbled. The feeling was bad enough without having to deal with the voice in my head. 

 

_ Nobody even noticed you! Not once! Aren’t they all supposed to be your “friends”? _

 

“Shut up.”

 

_ Your best friend didn’t even say anything about you being there. It’s like he didn’t want you there either! And why would he? There are so many cooler, more interesting, less  _ _ needy _ _ people down there, people who are worth his time. People who are worth each other’s time. People who don’t constantly need to be told that they’re wanted or that they have friends. _

 

_ People who are better off without you there to ruin all the fun. _

 

“I SAID SHUT UP!” I shouted, then clamped a hand over my mouth. I shut my eyes and sent out a silent prayer to anyone who might be listening that my friends hadn’t heard me. 

 

“Jere?” A soft voice called from the doorway leading down to the basement.

 

Of course the gods ignored me, too. 

 

“Jeremy, are you okay?” I opened my eyes to see Michael and Christine making their way towards me. 

 

“I… I’m fine,” I said, voice shaky.

 

_ Yes, lie to them. Because everyone wants to be friends with a liar. _

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Jere, neither of us said anything,” Michael said, cautiously reaching a hand out to me. I shook my head and his hand retreated.

 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Go back to the party, I just needed a minute, I’ll be back down in a few.”

 

“You were downstairs?” Christine asked, confusion laced in her voice. After a moment, her hands shot to her mouth. “Oh, god, Jeremy! Why didn’t you say anything? We didn’t even… Jeremy, I’m sorry, none of us saw you, oh my god, we’re horrible!”

 

“No, no, no, Chrissy, it’s fine, I’m fine,” I said, grabbing her hands and trying to calm her down. “It’s no big deal.”

 

“Well that sounds like bullshit!” Someone called. The three of us turn to see Rich and the others. They all had looks of guilt and sadness on their faces. “Tall Ass, you can’t really expect any of us to believe that this is no big deal.”

 

“It’s not,” I reply weakly. 

 

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to side with Rich on this one, lookalike,” Jared said. “This seems like a bigger deal than you let on. Why else would you be up here alone like this?”

 

“I just…”

 

“You just what, Jeremy?” Michael asked, drawing my attention back to him for a moment. Everyone was watching me expectantly.

 

“I just… I don’t fit in anywhere is all.”

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

“I… All of you are such good friends. With each other. And I… I didn’t want to intrude, especially not when I wasn’t good enough to be noticed in the first place, I just…”

 

“Jerry,” Brooke said softly, walking over to me. “You’re more than good enough for us. And we’re sorry we didn’t notice you, it was such a large crowd and everyone was excited.”

 

“Not that that makes it okay!” Evan called out. “I… I know what it’s like to feel like no one can see you. And we’re not trying to make excuses for what we did, but we just need you to know that none of it was your fault.”

 

“I-” I started to say but was cut off by the voice in my head.  _ They’re lying, they’re lying, they’re LYING!  _ “I… I can’t… I can’t… Micha, help me,” I pleaded, eyes scrunching shut as everything around me became too much. 

 

“Why don’t you guys go back downstairs, just for now. I promise we’ll be back down in a few,” I hear Michael saying. There are no verbal acknowledgements to what he had said, but I do hear feet retreating from the room. Michael squeezes my hand and I open my eyes. “Hey, baby, welcome back.”

 

“I’m sorry, Micha, I’m so sorry, I’m ruining everything and I-”

 

“Woah, Jere, none of that, okay?” Michael says, still holding onto my hand. My eyes are drawn to his, which I notice has the faint traces of tears in them. “You haven’t ruined anything, Jere. Why… It seems like you’ve been feeling this way for awhile, right?” I nod apprehensively. “Why didn’t you say something sooner then?”

 

“I… I didn’t want to bring light to it. The fact that I didn’t fit in anywhere. If I did…. If I did, you guys could get rid of me. You guys  would get rid of me. Because I don’t fit anywhere. Because I’m not popular like the girls and Rich and Jake, I don’t have the same connection you do to Jared and them because I only know them thanks to you. And… And I’m just… I’m just not as chi-” The word got caught in my throat but I tried to power through. “I’m not as chill as you are. You can fit anywhere with ease and I just… I can’t.”

 

Michael was silent after that and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, trying desperately to blink away the tears that were starting to pool in my eyes. “You remember what we were like, right after the Squip?” Michael asked, causing me to look up. Michael’s gaze was fixed at the floor, unable to see me nodding, but he continued anyway. “I had been so scared of losing you again, even after you apologized and told me you wouldn’t leave - which I still believe, by the way -” Michael said before I could interject. “You had just seemed so happy with everyone else and I was worried that I wasn’t going to be good enough for you anymore. That I was just a… That I was still the loser you left alone in the bathroom.”

 

I grab Michael’s hand, forcing him to stop. “Michael, I’m still so sorry, for everything. I should never have… I didn’t… And even after that you…” My words were getting lost in my brain, I couldn’t focus on what I wanted to say. “I’m just so sorry, Michael. For hurting you. For leaving you alone. For making you feel as if-”

 

Michael’s eyes finally met mine again and he gave me a watery smile. “Jere, I didn’t bring all this up again just to get you to apologize. I know you’re sorry, and I forgave you a long time ago. But this part of the story is important, so I’m gonna need you to just listen for a little bit, okay?” I nod yet again, and Michael’s gaze drifts downward once more. “Like I was saying, I was scared of being left alone, of being too lame for your new found friends. Scared that they wouldn’t like me and that I would have to fight to see you. Scared of losing that fight. But you know what? Because of you, all those people down there are my friends,” I open my mouth to interject, but Michael cuts me off. “Nope, I’m not done yet. This is the truth, Jere. It’s because of you that I talk to all of the cool kids at our school. It’s because of you that I go to Pinkberry with Brooke, Jenna, and Chloe and talk about cute guys.” I must’ve made a face at that, because Michael grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. “None of that, you know I love you. And, as I was saying, it’s because of you that I help Christine run lines and help her learn how to game. It’s because of you that I pestered Rich until he finally got his head out of his fucking ass and just asked Jake out. I’m friends with them because you pulled me to the lunch table and said ‘This is my best friend, Michael, he’s gonna sit with us or I’m gonna go’.”

 

I laughed a little, finally getting a word in. “That’s not exactly what I said.” 

 

Michael smiled, taking my hand again. “You’re right, but it’s what you meant. I know it is. And you made sure I never felt left out. You always made sure to include me, even more so once we started dating. You organized double dates for us with Rich and Jake, you made sure that some of your random invites got extended to me as well, you made sure that I felt loved and appreciated, both by you and by your,  our , friends. That was all you,” Michael squeezed my hand, unshed tears still clinging slightly to his eyes. With a sigh, he looked down again. “And that’s why  I’m sorry I didn’t notice you were feeling this way.”

 

“Wha- No. Michael, it’s not your fau-”

 

“I know it’s not directly my fault, Jere, but I should’ve noticed sooner. Should’ve noticed you were pulling away some as I got closer with your friends and started hanging out with Jared more. Should’ve taken the initiative you did and invited you out with Jared, Connor, and Evan. I should’ve remembered that your brain gets kind of messy sometimes and you would feel like this. Because  I felt like that, and you knew. You helped. I should’ve been there for you, too.”

 

I worm my way under Michael’s arm and force him into a hug. “Michael, baby, I didn’t want you to know. You had already done so much for me. With the Squip, with my lingering fears, with everything. You stayed with me through it all. And you always told me to come to you, with anything. I  chose not to do that. Yes, it was because I was afraid, but that’s not your fault.”

 

Michael laughed a little, pulling me closer. “I guess we both fucked up a bit here, huh, Jere?”

 

“I guess we did,” I say, resting my chin on his shoulder. “But that’s okay. We worked it out.”

 

“We did. And you know none of our friends see you as a misfit, right? I need reassurance that you know that, Jeremy. They were your friends first, and they love you.”

 

“I think I’m starting to get that again, yeah.”

 

“Good,” Michael pulled away just a bit. “Do you want to go back downstairs with everyone?”

 

“Yeah, let’s go.”

 

Michael and I walk to the stairs, and just as I go to open the door, I hear shuffling behind it and a whisper of “Oh shit, they’re coming act natural!” Sighing, but smiling nonetheless, I open the door and gesture for Michael to go down first. Following behind him, I try and gather myself once again.

 

Once downstairs, everyone had returned to what actually looked like a natural party environment, but I knew better. “Alright, how much did you hear?”

 

All eyes were on me, and I could see some guilty looking faces. Finally, Evan blurted out, “It was Jared’s idea!”

 

“It was not!” Jared fired back. “It was 100% Chloe’s idea!”

 

“Oh don’t try and pin this on me, Kleinman!” Chloe yelled with a glare in Jared’s direction. He took to hiding behind Connor. “It was  not my idea, it was Jenna’s.”

 

“Girl, you can’t pin this on me. We all know it was Rich!”

 

Rich, who had been in the midst of shoving some chips in his mouth, looked up in surprise. After swallowing, he gave a smirk. “I’ll take the fall if it means I can be the first to tell Tall Ass over here that we all care about him,” Rich walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me. “We really do care about you, Jeremy. Don’t you forget that.”

 

One by one, my friends followed suit, creating an awkwardly large group hug, whispering sweet phrases and terms of endearments to me. As the group hug finally peeled away, Michael suggested putting in a movie. We all got into some kind of seating arrangement (with me on Michael’s lap) and put on Infinity War. Snuggling into Michael, I called out a soft “Thank you” into the room. 

 

I wasn’t alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. Check me out on [tumblr](https://ireallyneedabetterusername.tumblr.com/)! My blog just turned 5 and I'm always taking prompts. All my ships are in the description.


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